I have been haunted by this question regularly . A seemingly easy question which is simply too complex to answer .
- What am I doing with my life and what is my future?
There are so many layers to it . It raises uncertainity of life , of my contribution to life and to this world around me .
What have I done besides earn a living and keep a roof over me and my parent ? I have literally nothing to show for – no children , no estate and nor some humanitarian activity which was of help to someone .
Do I die tomorrow knowing that all of my achievement is nothing more than just surviving ?
Yes it is my existential fears raising its ugly head .
Not everyone leaves an indelible mark which is recognized worldwide but almost everyone passes on their genes and rests knowing someone would remember them or remind people of their contribution to the family .What am I leaving behind ?
I have this urge to breakaway and do something which really matters.Any small thing . A career which is totally dead , lack of functional healthy relationship and the number of maniacs I see on dating apps is all thoroughly depressing .
The feeling that I’m watching my life pass me by as I sit on my sofa having tea and looking at others facebook profiles announcing accomplishments and engagements ,haunts me.
I know this phase isn’t productive , but it could lead me to try new projects to keep self busy and distracted from what truly bothers me (if you haven’t guessed it’s poor career and no boyfriend ).
So ,I’m off to find ways to feel like “I matter” and find some validation in my existence .
Image credit : Me