Questions That haunt

I have been haunted by this question regularly . A seemingly easy question which is simply too complex to answer .

    • What am I doing with my life and what is my future?

    There are so many layers to it . It raises uncertainity of life , of my contribution to life and to this world around me .

    What have I done besides earn a living and keep a roof over me and my parent ? I have literally nothing to show for – no children , no estate and nor some humanitarian activity which was of help to someone .

    Do I die tomorrow knowing that all of my achievement is nothing more than just surviving ?

    Yes it is my existential fears raising its ugly head .

    Not everyone leaves an indelible mark which is recognized worldwide but almost everyone passes on their genes and rests knowing someone would remember them or remind people of their contribution to the family .What am I leaving behind ?

    I have this urge to breakaway and do something which really matters.Any small thing . A career which is totally dead  , lack of functional healthy relationship and the number of maniacs I see on dating apps is all thoroughly depressing .

    The feeling that  I’m watching my life pass me by as I sit on my sofa having tea and looking at others facebook profiles announcing accomplishments and engagements ,haunts me. 

    I know this phase isn’t productive , but it could lead me to try new projects to keep self busy and distracted from what truly bothers me (if you haven’t guessed it’s poor career and no boyfriend ).

    So ,I’m off to find ways to feel like “I matter” and find some validation in my existence .

    Image credit : Me 

    A choice of Desire,need or Dream

    If you had a choice what would you rather be (for someone)?

    1. Desire
    2. Need
    3. Dream

    I’m formal 

    That just reads – stiff,unyielding,somewhat superficial, aloof,conventional and boring . 

    I’ve been told so by a date .I guess  when I’m unsure of my footing I resort to being formal .Im like “queen of bloody England” formal  aside from the teeny tiny fact that I don’t rule a country (or even my street corner). 

    Dating in your mid-30s is fucking hard . Either you are too forward ,too timid ,too formal,too naive ,too frustrated or too old.

    How  anyone is supposed to find someone seems like a miracle . 

    Note to self : Good Luck ,you need it . 

    Breathe 

    I don’t breathe 

    I bleed

    Every bit of my heart

    Pours out of my lips

    A woosh expels 

    All that I had inside 

    A torrential storm

    Pours out of me 

    I don’t breathe 

    I bleed 

    How to make Friends (or not)

    I maybe the worst ,the most socially awkward person to be around .  Either that or mysterious forces around me work in tandem to make me look silly .

    I was invited to dinner by a guy I recently met along with his friends and it was a fun evening  for most part . This was at a  lovely brewery with outdoor seating under a canopy due to rains and good conversation. 

    At a table for 4 we had 6 people so it was a bit cramped after a while with other tables so close we could barely move .if anyone had to get up it required all people to move chairs out of the way .so yes cramped .

    However, the most embarrassing part of the evening was me . In a table filled with jugs,tumblers,plates of finger food I accidentally knocked over a glass and the entire content landed on the guy’s pants . 

    Sure , he knocked over a glass too but as fate would have it that was empty. Which is why I believe that forces of nature hate me. 

    I couldn’t stop apologising and handing him paper towels for the duration of the evening  . Mortified wouldn’t even begin to explain how I felt .

    I do know how to make friends!!! 

    Journalism

    I passed my final year !

    It’s now time to get my act together and find a job away from outsourcing .

    This is the most gut wrenching part and it’s the fear of unknown future vs the known devil. A comfort zone of last 10 years which pushed me into a cocoon.

    With all my fingers and toes crossed ,it’s time to take up this challenge and meet it head on. 

    For now I shall celebrate a milestone 🙂

    WHERE AM I?

    Right here.. under a rock . The rock being my 3 year journalism course. Good news though- I just finished with the final and last exam for the 3rd year and waiting results. Also have a final year project review which should be anytime this week.

    Three years have gone by and now it’s scarier than ever. The plans I had made years ago -its time to try and make those a reality and that is one stomach churning,panic inducing reality.

    I have to start hunting jobs and also prepare to get evaluated for immigration. These were so far only a distant “oh there is a long time to go” ideas but now, they need to be worked on and attempted. The next phase folks! Look out!

    Because of all this my blogging took a backseat and I have to now be disciplined and start this again. It cannot be left in a corner of  my mind where the”to-do” pile keeps growing.I do want a break from work and from everything just so that I can go ‘wheee’ and yet I cannot.

    Life is crazy!

     

    PS: I am in New York for a work trip .Arrived this week and struggling with jet lag and these thoughts keep me awake.